Monogamous

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We all have our views of what is morally correct in life and in relationships. One area that has become grey for me is monogamy.

I have had numerous men who I have dated or been in a relationship with who have been with other women at the same time. It has come to the point where my face is unshockable when a guy says he is not exclusive with me or he doesn’t believe in monogamy. I have tended to boot the man out of my life pronto once hearing those lines or similar ones. The men who have been sleeping around behind or infront of my back tend to always have one of the town ho’s in their speed dial. I don’t want to catch their diseases and I don’t want to be the other girl. I have this self-belief that being with me should be sufficient, why should they need to be with disease laden ho’s as well.

This righteousness has worked well with me for all these years. I have been monogamous in relationships and even when fancying men I have tended to fancy one man at a time.

However, recently this has all changed, and I feel guilty.

Have you ever been with playas and then after playing and dumping you they move onto another woman who they are utterly faithful to? Don’t you always wish you could be that girl who could be the one to make him change his ways? Well it has happened. I have become that woman. I have somehow fitted into one man’s life in such a way for him to denouce his playa calling and he has been faithful when we are together. Admittedly as soon as he dumped me last year he went all out on pussy patrol, but since we have gotten back together as undefinable friends, he has been faithful.

However, I’ve become the playa. And I hate it.

It was not intentional, but it’s like london buses. They never turn up when you want it and then three turn up all at once. It’s sod’s law of the highest order and it’s infuriating me.

The playa in me came out for four weeks (see previous blogs) and although great at the time and a powerful feeling, now I feel wretched. Although we are not officially together again, bloke mentioned above (Man no 3), and I are in constant contact and he has been amazing. He has been faithful despite us being undefinable currently.

Then there is Mr Playa (Man no 2). He is proud that he is being a playa right now; he relishes it; he thrives on it; he is even callous in his playaness and he is not subtle in his behaviour (despite his protestations that he is). But I still fancy him. And this is where my monogomous views are being beaten up. I am seeing Man no 3, but still fancying no 2. There is no shagging, but there is inneundo and light kisses of tempatation from both of us. I feel like I am cheating on 3 in my mind and my lips. I would hate and scream at a man I was dating if he did that (and I have done that with a few slaps in between), but I am now just as bad.

Where is the line in being monogamous? Are you still considered monogamous if you don’t sleep with other men? What about holding hands? Or dancing seductively with each other? Or kissing secretly in quiet corners?

Today, afer a punch to my stomach, I fully realised how awful no 2 was for me and for my soul. I have known him for a short while, but I have seen him and watched him and can see that there is something good in him underneath the playa facade. However, for now he has decided to take on the role of the playa character and I want no part in that play. (Also why is that when men play around in this city they are studs, but with the women we call them ho’s?? – i digress).

I also realised that despite the events that have occured between me and 3, he has not wavered his feelings for me, although I have. He cares, he loves, he is a genuinely kind person. He knows how I have felt recently and what I have been up to (maybe not as much as the above states), but he has still been good about my non-monogamous behvaiour. I don’t want to hurt him, I don’t want to be the horrible playa girl, I just want to be in his life if he will accept me in.

 

The three L’s

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Like = Mind

Lust = Body

Love = Soul

All three can work separately, but together, entwined, can topple Burj Khalifa in its magnitude. 

We get all three at different times but very rarely get all three at the same time.

Friends and one show I was watching (30 rock if you must know) have discussed about “the One” this week. It’s got me thinking – Is the One out there with all three components in him to satisfy me? Should I settle for someone who can provide at least one of the three componenets? I’m now at that stage in my life when I’m wondering if I should give up hope of finding that one perfect guy who can provide me with these three things in my life. But then I argue to myself, should I compromise? Don’t I deserve to have a guy who can give me love, lust and like all the time?? 

I have met the One. I met him more than ten years ago. He was my first love and to be honest, my only true love. However, times have passed; I’ve moved away, he’s married and has kids and I don’t want to be with him now. He was my soul mate, he was the One, but our soul’s were not mean’t to be together at this time in our life.

I believe there can be another One but I don’t know how long I can wait for him. Or have I met him already and just not realised he’s the One? 

Does the One come to you in different ways? I’m still in confusion land and its not getting any clearer in my head. Last week I thought there was light at the end of the tunnel, but situations keep on changing. I keep on changing my mind and I keep on hearing different things. Different advice, different views, different actions.

I have Like with one man and Lust with another man, but I don’t feel Love and it feels like that should be the most important component that should be in my life.Should I forget about both of them and wait for the One to come eventually into my life. It would be the easiest option, but I am loving the thrill of the game right now. For once I am feeling liked and lusted after. All parties are playing games and it’s fun. It’s not healthy but god dammit it feels good. But how long can it last for?

There are a lot of loaded questions tonight. Of course the answer won’t come tonight or tomorrow, but it’s something to think about…

Ldn

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Being in London has been like your eyes being reopened after they have been hibernating during winter or like it was for Neo after coming out of the Matrix.

There is the hustle & bustle of people everywhere. They are travelling, shopping, talking, laughing, moaning but its all with a sense of individualism. No one dresses exactly the same. No one talks the same. There is culture, embedded history in so many buildings you pass and a sense that you are part of something big.

Its not like in Dubai were you can hear the same conversations in a cafe (maids, affairs, stupid english people being arrested again) or the same outfits being worn in carrefour and Mall of Emirates (forever 21, H&M, Zara). But you do feel like something big is going to happen in Dubai all the time (and usually it gets built!). 

What does this mean for me. Does this mean I should be in London and not in Dubai. After 5 years in Dubai, its not easy to like one city more than the other. Both cities are a part of my life and both cities have pros and cons within them.

I miss both when I am away from them. I am missing dubai right now such as the sun, my friends, my darling cat and my house. But I’m currently spending quality time with my parents, old close friends and shopping in primarni!

However, I have to say that I am grateful that I will be getting out of this country which has now been taken over by the tories.
This country is like a rerun of the 80s (with smart phones) – cold, tory enduring, recession suffering and full of dodgy outfits. All these things are back again this year! Coincidence or bad luck?
Let’s hope this country that I was born in and love won’t go to hell but if it does let’s hope the music is fantastic.

Being curvy

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If you didn’t read the Saturday Times magazine this weekend, you would have missed the article about plus-sized women that are taking over the world of fashion and modelling in a big way. The thought is that due to the recession, the fashion industry is waking up to the fact that the major buyers of clothes, will be women who aren’t size 0 but rather size 14 and above.

I have been thinking about my own size recently. Last year I was a slim size 12 bordering on size 10 (this is all UK sizes btw) which was due to my two personal trainers and the crap gym conglomerate who will be known as FF. Due to reasons previously blogged I had to cut out the personal trainers. The personal trainers forced me to exercise which is one of my pet hates in the world. However, due to my job and my busy social life, I no longer have time to exercise. This means I have returned back to size 12/14, which has been the norm for me since I was a teenager.

Whilst I am not happy about the flabby tummy, my life is better especially when it comes to men. More men have dated me or seduced me and my mojo is back. My mojo was practically non existent when I was thinner. This might seem strange, but it is true. Does this mean that I am more appealing to the opposite sex when I have full cheeks and a tummy showing under my clothes or is it just a coincidence. I recalled my past experience when I was in my twenties. I was mostly thinner during that time, but also lonely and without men in my life, most of the time.

The realisation that being my natural weight is more appealing, that maybe its best not to fight it and just retain it, is a relief. Of course, I should start doing sit ups again, so that the tummy goes down a bit (as those M&S knickers are bloody uncomfortable to wear which is supposed to squeeze all your fat in) and exercise a bit for fitness sake, but the rest of me all tits and arse can stay as it is.

If you didn’t read the article here it is in all its glory:  http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/fashion/article711556…

Madonna – someone else’s article explaining why I love Madonna

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I just read a brilliant article by Wendy Shanker in the Guardian which explained as eloquently as I ever could why she is a fan of Madonna. I may not have been through the same moments in life as Ms Shanker but I have certainly felt empowered, enlightened and energised during my life, due to this one woman.

There are people who will diss Madonna and also me, but the reality is that she has done more for me and for the world what most people could ever dream of.

Here is the article in all its glory

http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2010/may/09/madonna-my-guru-wendy-shanker

Auntie Shel and being stupid.

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Today, I met my brother, his girlfriend and the giant bump. The giant bump, otherwise known as my future nephew/niece, should be a happy occasion. I am looking forward to being Auntie Shel but there is a huge part of me that is mixed with jealousy, pity and piss annoyance. My brother is sorted now, he has a brilliant career, house, girlfriend, future baby, car and money. I have a car, cat, stress-filled career and lots of clothes. The boyfriend situation well that’s another story and the house can’t happen due to the money situation.

I am one of those idiots that fell for a “friend’s” investor idea in the boom and have ended up paying really badly for it. The arsehole ran away from Dubai and left me with debts that will take me two years to clear (that’s a positive outlook). The fact that I should now be at the age where I should be financially stable is one of the worst parts of being in this situation, as well as my brother giving me a pitying/condescending look or conversation about my stupidity. I was always a saver and able to live the designer life and now thanks to this stupid moment I now struggle to live and have gone through moments that I do not wish on anyone (except maybe said arsehole).

I now spend my days dreaming of winning the lottery or getting a super extreme pay rise that will make it all disappear. Sometimes I even hope that the A-hole will actually pay me back all the money he took which he has promised to do for over a year. It’s a dream and I have been in reality for too long to believe the latter will occur.

On a plus I have learnt a huge lesson from this moment in my life and now know that I will only put my money on designer bags and saving accounts and that I will never trust a brit Asian with my money ever again. I also know which banks are lovely and which aren’t (I will reveal that one day).

For now I work to live, but luckily I have amazing parents and friends who have supported me through my turbulent stupid moments in the last few years. Without them I don’t think I would be here writing this blog.

Now, I have to move on and not dwell on the past, but think forward to the future and a little child that is joining our family very soon and also the other fabulous things that will hopefully happen in my life from now onwards.