It’s raining in Dubai – whooopeeee!

Yes, I am being my normal sarcastic self, but don’t worry there will be many in this town who will be giving Oscar style speeches about the greatness of the rain in Dubai. I may be British and therefore have a chromosome that whinges automatically about the rain, but Dubai rain is beyond British rain in its suckiness.

The rain is not clean. It’s like a brown concoction of gunk. We must be grateful that the Burj Khalifa is finally built and there is overall less construction in the town so the rain is less clogged with concrete and building material debris. What we have now is sand soaked rain. What does this mean? It means that instead of getting a clean, washed car like you get in England after a rain shower, we get a car that is so filthy that it would take two car washes to clean it. It also doesn’t help much when your car is white. On top of that you can’t clean your car, as the rain will consistently fall for a whole week, non-stop!

If you go outside, you need to be sensible and carry an umbrella even if people look at you like you are weird. It stops you get yucky brown stuff on your clothes (especially when it is a black suit).

This year has been strange in that we had drizzle for a few days. We don’t usually experience drizzle; we just get the deluge which results in flooding. Drizzle here is annoying, as you know one day soon it will suddenly switch to torrential flooding. You just don’t know when it will happen!

You may be disillusioned to believe that a fast growing city like this can manage to build proper drainage systems for when it rains/floods. I mean if it can build the tallest tower in the world, how hard can it be to build drains especially on Sheikh Zayed Road, the main artery of the city. Fuckin’ bloody hard by the looks of it. After 5 years in this city, there have been a few more drains built, but I’m sure the forces that be will get some poor worker to get a big hose to suck up water in main flooded areas (whilst it is still raining of course).  That’s what they call drainage here btw.

I am also waiting for the annual return of big yellow tubing to start showing on the side of the Mall of Emirates draining the flooded car park. You thought Modesh was bad, you should see this tubing!

How hard can it be to build drains? And more importantly why don’t they do it despite the chaos that happens every year in this town (and I’m sure country).  Well money would be the main factor now, but when they had money and opportunity why didn’t they do it?? Also there is this false thought that as the rain only comes once a year we can suffer for a short while. The fact that we now get rain more than once a year and that it shuts down the city hasn’t seemed to have crossed the minds of the drainage police.

Then there  is the driving in the rain. The majority of drivers in this town are muppets in dry weather…so imagine how incompetent they are in this weather! To assist the muppets that feel they must drive in this weather, here are some handy tips.

1.     Read your car manual and locate the windscreen wiper button, knob or handle.  There must be a bit which allows you to set wiping speed. Use it.

2.     If you have a German car, the wiper controls are bit more complicated. Read the manual two times in the car, and figure it out before you start driving. Not whilst you are driving.

3.   If you are aquaplaning do not brake. Let go off the accelerator, but don’t frickin brake.

4.   If you are skidding, do the opposite of what you think you should do. If you didn’t lean how to deal with skidding during your driving lessons you shouldn’t be allowed on the road.

5.   On Sheikh Zayed Road during the torrential rain or after, stay in the middle lane. The road is not flat and the “water ponds” go to the side of the road, therefore the fast lane and very slow lane are flooded.

6.   If you think there was a slight bump downwards in a road near your house before the rain, for sure it will now fill up with water and your tiny car will get stuck in there. You have two options:

a.     Don’t go down that road, during or after the rains; or

b.     Have a number of a friend/landlord/family member/local who has a 4×4 and rope in the car.

7.   If you have a 4×4, get some rope, torch and chocolate; leave it in car for point 6b situations. You will have done your Good Samaritan act for the year.

8.   If you are scared of driving in normal circumstances, don’t drive in the rain and don’t go in a taxi. Try the metro – it might work if the rain doesn’t mess up the electricity cables.

9.   Don’t go to a mall. It gets flooded. They can build an ice rink, aquarium and ski thing, but the mall people can’t build drains.

10.Don’t drive fast. It’s stupid on a normal day, but with the rain, stupid drivers etc, it just ain’t clever to go 140kpm. And don’t change lanes every five seconds. It’s not big and it’s not clever.

11.Hazard lights are for when you have a hazard (burst tyre, thrown up on your lap, dead person in the car), not when it is raining.

12.  Fog lights are for when there is fog. If there is rain, I doubt there will be fog. And if you have discovered your fog lights  now, remember to use it in February instead of your hazard lights.

13.  If you are from Abu Dhabi/Sharjah, own a Land Cruiser, Nissan Sunny/Tida, Mitsubishi Lancer or non 4×4 Toyota car, please don’t come to Dubai until the rain has gone. Please.

If there are any more points that should be added for us to handle the rain please let me know.

For now, be dry, be safe and most of all stop snickering at the big board that’s warning you about the “water ponds”.