This morning I found my Gap beach top which I bought few years ago in London. Perfect navy blue covered top to wear over a bikini to the beach. This top inspired my blog today. It’s been a long time but I have finally hauled my arse to Jumeirah beach which is five minutes from my home.

One of the great things about living in Jumeirah is the beach but due to work and life I just don’t have time to waste sitting tanning for a few hours on the weekend. But the time came today that my pathetic grey tanned body needed to go back to being gloriously tanned like an Indian woman’s tanned body should be.

Now if your coming to Dubai you may think that going to the public beaches is a no go area but here are my handy tips to ensure you are safe and not arrested.

1. Don’t have sex on the beach. You can’t do it in Europe or elsewhere so why do it here?
2. Public displays of affection is a bad idea so don’t do it.
3. If you get questioned by police don’t hit them with your flip flops.
4. Stock up on haviana flip flops. They are the only respectable foot wear in this town.
5. You can wear a bikini but Indians/patans/arabs will stare at you.
6. If your blonde and have big tits and don’t like to be stared at cover up.
7. If pervs try to take your photo with their mobile grab it off them, take out the sim card and snap it in half. Or throw in the water.
8. You can hang out with men but don’t be flirty and stupid.
9. The beach by the Burj al arab and Jumeirah beach hotel Is always packed, full of pervs and the sea is very rough.
10. The beaches further down towards Dubai are emptier and less full of pervs.
11. Mamzar is a beautiful park but I got surrounded by patans which was gross.
12. All u need in your bag is suncream (face one separate), evian can of spray, towel, mat, book or phones with books in them, fags, water and food. Anything else is a waste.
13. Cover up going to and from beach. You can’t be skimpy off the beach.
14. Hotel beaches are only to be used when you have friends in town and you get in with them. Why would you pay 250 AED (£40) to go to a beach??
15. In the summer the water is a salty bath so great for cleansing your body for free.
16. No outlets deliver to the beach. It’s a pain in the arse.

Any further tips you may have would be appreciated.

Now I’m off to freeze my bum in the water (yep it’s cold right now)