Men are everywhere. Some are cute, some are psycho, some are goddamn minging and some are gay.

Very few come within my radar due to me being too scary, minging in their eyes, not Indian enough, not English enough or too girlie which is shocks them.

There are moments when they suddenly step into my radar and give me some attention. Then they realise im not the strong willed woman they were imaginging in their head and they run away.

This seems to be a recurring thing. I don’t have to say much. I don’t have to do much. I just act like me and poof they run away again.

The other weekend I got attention far exceeding anything before, from an old crush. He spent a few days reassuring me he wasnt messing around with my heart and mind and was sincere. He has known me for years, since me being scary lawyer like at work, and calm gentle lady in private. He accepts my analness as part of my character and laughs at my moments of silliness.

However, last night he freaked out. Today nothing (he has this knack of ignoring my existence if he doesn’t like the image i’m portraying to him at any given time).

Now i’m back to being unhappy, lonely and unforgiving on myself. Once again I let a retard into my life for a short moment of europhia. It’s like a drug that makes you high and then its taken away from you and the come down is more painful than five injections on your body.

I wonder if there is a pill that can cure my stupidity when it comes to men. Or if God will stop punishing me and bring me a man who can accept my words, faults and occasional blondness. For now I am wallowing until I can find something or someone to cheer me up again.