We all have our views of what is morally correct in life and in relationships. One area that has become grey for me is monogamy.

I have had numerous men who I have dated or been in a relationship with who have been with other women at the same time. It has come to the point where my face is unshockable when a guy says he is not exclusive with me or he doesn’t believe in monogamy. I have tended to boot the man out of my life pronto once hearing those lines or similar ones. The men who have been sleeping around behind or infront of my back tend to always have one of the town ho’s in their speed dial. I don’t want to catch their diseases and I don’t want to be the other girl. I have this self-belief that being with me should be sufficient, why should they need to be with disease laden ho’s as well.

This righteousness has worked well with me for all these years. I have been monogamous in relationships and even when fancying men I have tended to fancy one man at a time.

However, recently this has all changed, and I feel guilty.

Have you ever been with playas and then after playing and dumping you they move onto another woman who they are utterly faithful to? Don’t you always wish you could be that girl who could be the one to make him change his ways? Well it has happened. I have become that woman. I have somehow fitted into one man’s life in such a way for him to denouce his playa calling and he has been faithful when we are together. Admittedly as soon as he dumped me last year he went all out on pussy patrol, but since we have gotten back together as undefinable friends, he has been faithful.

However, I’ve become the playa. And I hate it.

It was not intentional, but it’s like london buses. They never turn up when you want it and then three turn up all at once. It’s sod’s law of the highest order and it’s infuriating me.

The playa in me came out for four weeks (see previous blogs) and although great at the time and a powerful feeling, now I feel wretched. Although we are not officially together again, bloke mentioned above (Man no 3), and I are in constant contact and he has been amazing. He has been faithful despite us being undefinable currently.

Then there is Mr Playa (Man no 2). He is proud that he is being a playa right now; he relishes it; he thrives on it; he is even callous in his playaness and he is not subtle in his behaviour (despite his protestations that he is). But I still fancy him. And this is where my monogomous views are being beaten up. I am seeing Man no 3, but still fancying no 2. There is no shagging, but there is inneundo and light kisses of tempatation from both of us. I feel like I am cheating on 3 in my mind and my lips. I would hate and scream at a man I was dating if he did that (and I have done that with a few slaps in between), but I am now just as bad.

Where is the line in being monogamous? Are you still considered monogamous if you don’t sleep with other men? What about holding hands? Or dancing seductively with each other? Or kissing secretly in quiet corners?

Today, afer a punch to my stomach, I fully realised how awful no 2 was for me and for my soul. I have known him for a short while, but I have seen him and watched him and can see that there is something good in him underneath the playa facade. However, for now he has decided to take on the role of the playa character and I want no part in that play. (Also why is that when men play around in this city they are studs, but with the women we call them ho’s?? – i digress).

I also realised that despite the events that have occured between me and 3, he has not wavered his feelings for me, although I have. He cares, he loves, he is a genuinely kind person. He knows how I have felt recently and what I have been up to (maybe not as much as the above states), but he has still been good about my non-monogamous behvaiour. I don’t want to hurt him, I don’t want to be the horrible playa girl, I just want to be in his life if he will accept me in.