Tag: Love

2010 – the year of many downs and a few ups

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I know that many people have written blogs about last year and what they thought of it. Well you might be bored of it now but hey it’s my blog so I’m going to write about my year.

2010 early on was shite for me. I had three days of being incommunicado which scared the shite out of my parents, brother, friends and work. I survived the hell and I got out of it a stronger woman but it haunted me for the rest of the year. Thankfully the people mentioned above were there for me with their support and love and I apologise for putting them in that position and thank them for being there for me. I would be a broken woman if it wasn’t for them.

The *insert swear words* couple who stole my money (see previous blog) have yet to be found by Interpol or to return my money. Hatred remained for the whole of 2010 and will remain until…

I also became one of those horribly boring 100+ hours’ working women. Due to a massive project at work and lack of a department except me, I have had to work like a dog with the help of various external counsel to do this project. I have lived on about 3 hours sleep, had near nervous breakdowns, screamed, cried and drowned in paperwork. But on a plus I had the steepest learning curve ever and got to go India (finally) and Geneva for the deal, as well as two visits to London which meant I got to be home more than I expected. Was it worth all the hours of work? I have yet to see, but hopefully there will be a decent size bonus at the end of this long tunnel and maybe a few people working for me??!

Due to the work issue, it meant I once again didn’t get to go on a holiday. I desperately needed a holiday to be away from my laptop and blackberry. I’m hoping this year I get a reprieve and can book somewhere far away to just unwind and read books.

On a plus I welcomed into my life my little nephew, my close friend’s third son and my little kitty Amira. All are completely adorable, lovely and cuddly and I miss them when I am away from them. So I have become an Auntie and cat woman again 🙂

I also had to live through my older cat going through her teenage bitch years for most of the year but she suddenly snapped out of it in November after a super duper hair cut. There was something in that shampoo I tell ya.

With regards to my love life, I decided it would be a brilliant idea to redate my ex from last year and get re-engaged to him. Of course we once again didn’t properly get engaged and he failed to buy me a wedding ring (or anything else for that matter). I realised after a few months that if I loved my cats more than him that it was a recipe for disaster and that it might be best to dump him. Of course, I did the new social media thing and dumped him first on this blog and then to his face. But hey don’t judge me, he dumped me via Facebook (changing his status to single) last year.

I also realised that although there were men to fancy and date this year that I didn’t love any of them or let alone care enough to have them in my life for very long. This realisation dawned on me at the end of the year which was surreally scary. I don’t like being alone and I want to share my life with someone but I don’t want to be with just anyone just for the sake of being with someone. I want to share my life, I want to  be respected, I want to be loved  – I think I deserve it now after all these years of being in the dating world. So I have decided I am going to wait with semi open eyes for that man to turn up. I also think it’s best I stop looking to the past men and also to the men who only want to be friends. For the latter, I need to stop making a fool of myself.

So that was 2010, but what about 2011?  I don’t do new years resolutions, but due to the fact that I have become a bigger girl due to the lack of time to exercise, I have decided that I will start dance classes again  – hip hop classes to be exact. Yep I will be dancing to tinie tempah (my new love) and hopefully will go down two dress sizes by March.

Due to the fact that everyone who is anyone can’t stop giving me a lecture about my smoking, I think it might be time to stop soon. Patches, gum and plain old will power don’t work so I will be visiting a hypnotherapist when I have some time to test that out. It worked for one person I know so it might work for me. Otherwise will try that needle thing that the Chinese do.

My other plan is to redecorate my pad. I cannot take the pink walls any longer and need to clean it up and make it livable again for myself. That will be project numero uno for this year.

Of course I would be disillusioning myself if I didn’t say I wanted to meet someone, fall in love, get married and have babies this year. But I hope for that every year and it’s failed so far so why start this year with a stupid wish. Let’s see what 2011 has to give and take it from there.

To all of you readers have a great year and if it goes shit, just believe that things can only get better. xx

Sadness

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The last week and a bit has been a bag of emotional turmoil.

If you follow me on twitter you will know my aunt passed away last week. She was related to me from my mum and dad’s side (nothing dodgy like – our family ain’t like that), and she was a major part of both families in England. Her loss, though we knew it would come anytime soon, was still upsetting. This was especially due to the fact that as I was unable to join my family back in Birmingham to attend the funeral and be with them.

With my family it’s a mixed bag of emotions. We are fiery, bitchy, stubborn, moody gits and some have a tendency to be evil fuckers. But for all these curses (verbal and magical), slaps, and plain crapness, they are my blood and due to the sameness in us, they are brilliant to hang out with or “comedy” as we used to say. I do miss them especially the cousins in Brum, which makes it even sadder that I missed being with them at this time.

Last week, I also decided finally that one man was too much of a playa for me and a liability. Picture the scenario:

1. Two parties, same venue, two weekends, same lovely host.

2. First party – I miss due to being in London. He invites town ho no. 2.

3. Second party – I turn up, he suddenly turns up after me. Kind of a surprise.

4. Pictures show up of both parties. She’s in the first lot (nothing too snuggly in those photos I must say but she was fucking there), I’m in the second lot (with him next to me in most of them or arms around me).

Nothing overly wrong with this you might say. But do you remember when he said he didn’t know how to fit me in and kept on “forgetting” to take me on dates he had asked me out on?? Well I got pissed off in my womanly way that:

a. He was able to take her out on a date.

b. He was unable to fit me in (except when we were dancing seductively on the dance floor – we were good!).

c. He went to the same party (in a way) with two women and flaunted it for others to see.

And on top of that it means that’s she’s the other woman and that’s just horrible. It was enough I had to see her trying it on with him, in front of me when I was “seeing him” but this?? Ok yes i’m slightly irrational, but hey this irrationality made me realise that I didn’t want to be with a man like him. Let her have him. Two sluts equal …crap things. 

So due to the irrational but brilliant reason to get rid of the playa, I also realised that I cared a hell of a lot for other man (no 3 – if you have been reading my blogs before – keep up people). So you might ask what is the sad part..? Well just as we had semi-sorted ourselves together, he has had to pack his bags and leave me for a month for work. I have a feeling he won’t shag around, but due to his location I’m worried for him and it’s just a crap time to leave. So I’ve been emotional for the last few days but 27 more days to go till I see him again and then we can start the proper dating thing again, or see if we even want to be together.

Then there is work. I actually like my job. It’s interesting. I’m dealing with legal matters that I have never covered before and on a global scale which is fun, interesting and never boring, but what I am disliking is the men in my office. The start of the week had me in tears nearly due to a man in the office being abusive to me once again on email. It’s been going on for six months and yet he only gets a slap on his hand for his shitty behaviour. It’s depressing, frustrating and plain piss annoying. I have to just hold my breath for now and pray that karma will come and give a big kick in the arse to no man’s land. But it’s not just him. I work with a certain country of men and whilst I do have some wonderful friends from this country and I’m originally from there, these men do my head in on a daily basis. They are chauvinistic, arrogant, sexist, uneducated bastards and they smell of BO a lot of the time as well. They need to get a can of deodorant spray liberally, wash their clothes, buy some manners and learn how to live in the 21st century. But you know that won’t happen in the near future with the majority of these men. This realisation made me sad.

The other frustrating issue I also dealt with was on twitter. After the abusive emails from knob in the office, I ranted as I tend to do on twitter. Twitter is full of friends that I have made and share my life with on a daily basis, who are predominately living in the same town as  me. They know when I’m happy, sad, awake, alive, tired or hungry. They know more than my best friends (which can be scary) or they have become my best friends (mega!). So I ranted, and then slimy pervy man of twitter decided to put his 2 cents in and start being nasty to me. The breaking point was when he said I should go get therapy instead of twittering. This is not the first time he has said it to a woman on twitter. The irony is that he requires therapy more than most of us, due to his nature, but he’s in denial. However, all women in his books (and i’m sure other men) are nuts and need a shrink. Isn’t it a sad thought when a man thinks in this chauvinistic and sexist manner in this day and age. Yes, he’s an old man but should that be an excuse??

I know that life has its ups and downs and we all suffer, but somtimes when it all comes at the same time it can be truly horrifying to deal with. I’m lucky that I have good friends and family who have looked after me this week especially when I was very sad, giving me real and virtual hugs and love throughout. So through the sadness comes thankfulness and hope – and that makes me happy.

The three L’s

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Like = Mind

Lust = Body

Love = Soul

All three can work separately, but together, entwined, can topple Burj Khalifa in its magnitude. 

We get all three at different times but very rarely get all three at the same time.

Friends and one show I was watching (30 rock if you must know) have discussed about “the One” this week. It’s got me thinking – Is the One out there with all three components in him to satisfy me? Should I settle for someone who can provide at least one of the three componenets? I’m now at that stage in my life when I’m wondering if I should give up hope of finding that one perfect guy who can provide me with these three things in my life. But then I argue to myself, should I compromise? Don’t I deserve to have a guy who can give me love, lust and like all the time?? 

I have met the One. I met him more than ten years ago. He was my first love and to be honest, my only true love. However, times have passed; I’ve moved away, he’s married and has kids and I don’t want to be with him now. He was my soul mate, he was the One, but our soul’s were not mean’t to be together at this time in our life.

I believe there can be another One but I don’t know how long I can wait for him. Or have I met him already and just not realised he’s the One? 

Does the One come to you in different ways? I’m still in confusion land and its not getting any clearer in my head. Last week I thought there was light at the end of the tunnel, but situations keep on changing. I keep on changing my mind and I keep on hearing different things. Different advice, different views, different actions.

I have Like with one man and Lust with another man, but I don’t feel Love and it feels like that should be the most important component that should be in my life.Should I forget about both of them and wait for the One to come eventually into my life. It would be the easiest option, but I am loving the thrill of the game right now. For once I am feeling liked and lusted after. All parties are playing games and it’s fun. It’s not healthy but god dammit it feels good. But how long can it last for?

There are a lot of loaded questions tonight. Of course the answer won’t come tonight or tomorrow, but it’s something to think about…