Tag: Dubai

Pamper pamper

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One of the great reasons for living in Dubai are the many salons and spas that allow us to pamper ourselves for a much cheaper price than in the UK. This pampering fest is appreciated more when you buy the Entertainer – a book full of vouchers to buy one get one free for different services from waxing, manicures, spa treatments, etc.

The choice of pampering is huge and varied. From posh spas in the top hotels to the dodgy salons in the alleyway.

If you follow me on twitter you will know that I have been testing a multitude of venues around Dubai each week. Predominately my research is based on manicure, pedicures, blow drys, hair cuts and massages.

Some have been surprisingly good like nail point in Dubai Marina and some incredibly poor such as Tchip (Ibis MOE) and the nail salon in Times Square; so bad that I can’t recall their name.

I have said for a while that I will review these places and I will do after I have finished my hair cut today at Raffles Hotel Amrita Spa (hair cut and blow dry).

You know that I’m no good…

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Last night there were four major concerts happening in the UAE…. Eric Clapton (Abu Dhabi), RAKmatazz (some Indian thing – Dubai), Elissa and co (Lebanese singers – Dubai) and finally Amy Winehouse (Dubai Festival City).

I went to see Amy. It was a bad choice.

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Here are the reasons:

  1. Amy Winehouse’s voice is not meant to be for open air hearing.
  2.  There were only two large speakers at the stage – in an open air venue!!
  3. The sound guy didn’t want to put her mic up, even though she’s got a quiet voice.
  4.  The sound stage bit (with the big Fred Perry sign on it) was too far forward and too wide meaning that most of the audience had to stand way back.
  5. The venue is shite and not well signposted – yeah we know where to park but what about where is it exactly??
  6. The venue was shite.
  7. The queue for alcohol was ridiculously huge. Considering it was Amy WInehouse and most of the audience was British, you’d think they would know that they need more alcohol stands.
  8. The food was overpriced as normal.
  9. Did I mention how bad the venue was??

There was a lot of booing but it was mostly from drunk men who didn’t want to be there in the first place and needed an excuse to lash out as they couldn’t lash out at their girlfriends/wives.

To be fair it wasn’t Amy’s fault. She kept on singing even with the boos and she looked pissed off and upset just as much as we were. I’m sure that there will be a huge backlash on her as she is an easy target, but the people to blame are the organizers and her management. They should have known what her voice and songs were like and chosen a better venue. She would have been more suited for one of the closed arenas like the Madinat Arena or even better Jambase or the Westin bar which plays jazz.

I went to Black Eyed Peas here five years ago at airport expo. That was horrendously bad; from the venue, the transportation and more importantly the group. They did not sing properly the whole time they were there. At least Amy sang her songs and tried to sing them so we could hear.

When the majority of the audience had left she played her more famous songs which we could actually hear (not loud but we could hear). With less of an audience, less of chatting and less of the booing it was actually quite good, but by then we were cold and fed up and just wanted to go home. 

Here is a video of what she is supposed to sound like in concert in a small venue with a smaller audience. So let’s just say she aint meant to be a big stage performer.


Next up on the concert timetable is Dubai Jazz Festival, 30 Seconds to Mars and finally Stevie Wonder. Lets hope it gets better.

The new cool hip part of Dubai

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There is a new cool hip area in Dubai and it hasn’t been built by Emaar. What is this area you might ask?? I will tell ya… AL MANARA.

You might be scratching your head, trying to figure out where you have seen this name. Al Manara is the last bit of Jumeirah before you get to the Mall of Emirates and Madinat Jumeirah. It’s between Al Manara Road and Al Thanya Road SZR side (not beach side).  Predominately residential it has loads of beauty salons, Choithrams and a speeding camera just next to the area that has caught me too many times.

Recently Reem al Bawadi deigned the area suitable to open its new ultra big second restaurant which has meant my quick alternative onto Sheikh Zayed Road (Dubai side) has been thwarted with Lebanese/Syrian/pretentious wank Arabs parking like muppets and walking in the street in defiance when I have been driving past. I’m not annoyed! Nooooooo!  

We also have the famous Emaraat petrol station with the 24 hours Mcdonalds. You cannot go there unless you are in a glam outfit and if you decide to wear your Yankees top on top of you pjs at 3 in the morning to get an ice cream sundae, the Mcdonalds crew will grin and make a comment. Emaraat has been good to me, except for the petrol attendant that keeps conning me of a few dirhams every week (I will get him fired soon if he keeps conning me). The lovely people in the bakery section try and keep me a fresh croissant and make a decent coffee and the lady at the till knows what I am asking for mumbling away in the morning half awake. But it was time for a change in our area…

And change has finally opened!!  This week is the soft opening of two new outlets next to Reem – Al Zawaya and Crumbs. Al Zawaya is a little (when I mean little I mean tiny) supermarket which is very convenient for us Al Manara folk as we can get fresh milk and water and other bits and pieces which looks fresher than the corner shop by the mosque and feels more right to buy from rather than from Emaraat. I went in today to check out what was on offer. There were the normal stuff you would find in a tiny supermarket but the big massive bonus is that they deliver. So when I cannot be arsed to go get water from the Emaraat at 2am I can call the supermarket! Huzah!

Crumbs is a French/Lebanese bakery looking a bit Shakespeare’s like. The soft opening was just that and they were a complete mess but it looks promising, especially as the owner also owns Reem. The costs are high – pain au chocolate and Croissant were 8dhs each and they are a bit hard.  I guess I can warm them up before eating but it’s not to my French liking. There were condiments and expensive pasta to buy (who buys this pasta??) but also mouth watering deserts which I need to try. Also they do breakfast and meals so when i’m feeling lazy (which is every weekend) I can go there for some brekkie.  The only  downside was that the cappuccino I ordered take away was 22dhs (ffs!) and also they had to go to Reem to make it as the machine wasn’t working in Crumbs. Not a good start but the coffee tastes good.

These two new outlets could brighten up my life if the service improves but I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt (as both places asked me to) and also as they only just opened. If all good, my parents will be in heaven as they love going to these type of shops in the morning for a wander when on holiday.

There is also a Canon shop in the same row of shops. But unless you have a Canon (which I don’t have anymore) you wouldn’t be too bothered. The only thing I can say about the shop is that the Canon themed car drivers are maniacs on the road.

Also in Al Manara is an amazing massage place (end of Al Wasl near the Enoc petrol station going towards Madinat). I can never remember the name, but if you have a really really bad back they will sort you out after 2 hours of pain and unknotting all for 300dhs.

There are the numerous beauty salons in the area as well. Aroushi is good and clean but the waxing lady keeps asking me if i’m pregnant which is piss annoying. The Thai centre had a slippery floor and they were rude to me when I went to ask what services they provide. There are others but I haven’t tried them out yet.

Also there is my lovely laundry guys. They know my name, the know how to fob me off when I ask for them to dry clean my stuff in a day and they have only once lost something (a belt – not too bothered really).

The area might not be as glam as Downtown Khalifa or as overgrown by malls as Jumeirah 1 and 2, but we’re getting there. Soon we will have a Jones the Grocers (not too excited if they are overpriced like in England) and a bookshop (also not over-enthused now that I have discovered reading books on my iphone) but still its making the place more vibrant. Now all we need is a cool relaxing non pretentious bar to go to after work and this place will be sorted and a Wild Peeta outlet (hint hint @wildpeeta and @gourmetsharwama).

If you are in the area give me a holla!

Crap, it’s raining

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It’s raining in Dubai – whooopeeee!

Yes, I am being my normal sarcastic self, but don’t worry there will be many in this town who will be giving Oscar style speeches about the greatness of the rain in Dubai. I may be British and therefore have a chromosome that whinges automatically about the rain, but Dubai rain is beyond British rain in its suckiness.

The rain is not clean. It’s like a brown concoction of gunk. We must be grateful that the Burj Khalifa is finally built and there is overall less construction in the town so the rain is less clogged with concrete and building material debris. What we have now is sand soaked rain. What does this mean? It means that instead of getting a clean, washed car like you get in England after a rain shower, we get a car that is so filthy that it would take two car washes to clean it. It also doesn’t help much when your car is white. On top of that you can’t clean your car, as the rain will consistently fall for a whole week, non-stop!

If you go outside, you need to be sensible and carry an umbrella even if people look at you like you are weird. It stops you get yucky brown stuff on your clothes (especially when it is a black suit).

This year has been strange in that we had drizzle for a few days. We don’t usually experience drizzle; we just get the deluge which results in flooding. Drizzle here is annoying, as you know one day soon it will suddenly switch to torrential flooding. You just don’t know when it will happen!

You may be disillusioned to believe that a fast growing city like this can manage to build proper drainage systems for when it rains/floods. I mean if it can build the tallest tower in the world, how hard can it be to build drains especially on Sheikh Zayed Road, the main artery of the city. Fuckin’ bloody hard by the looks of it. After 5 years in this city, there have been a few more drains built, but I’m sure the forces that be will get some poor worker to get a big hose to suck up water in main flooded areas (whilst it is still raining of course).  That’s what they call drainage here btw.

I am also waiting for the annual return of big yellow tubing to start showing on the side of the Mall of Emirates draining the flooded car park. You thought Modesh was bad, you should see this tubing!

How hard can it be to build drains? And more importantly why don’t they do it despite the chaos that happens every year in this town (and I’m sure country).  Well money would be the main factor now, but when they had money and opportunity why didn’t they do it?? Also there is this false thought that as the rain only comes once a year we can suffer for a short while. The fact that we now get rain more than once a year and that it shuts down the city hasn’t seemed to have crossed the minds of the drainage police.

Then there  is the driving in the rain. The majority of drivers in this town are muppets in dry weather…so imagine how incompetent they are in this weather! To assist the muppets that feel they must drive in this weather, here are some handy tips.

1.     Read your car manual and locate the windscreen wiper button, knob or handle.  There must be a bit which allows you to set wiping speed. Use it.

2.     If you have a German car, the wiper controls are bit more complicated. Read the manual two times in the car, and figure it out before you start driving. Not whilst you are driving.

3.   If you are aquaplaning do not brake. Let go off the accelerator, but don’t frickin brake.

4.   If you are skidding, do the opposite of what you think you should do. If you didn’t lean how to deal with skidding during your driving lessons you shouldn’t be allowed on the road.

5.   On Sheikh Zayed Road during the torrential rain or after, stay in the middle lane. The road is not flat and the “water ponds” go to the side of the road, therefore the fast lane and very slow lane are flooded.

6.   If you think there was a slight bump downwards in a road near your house before the rain, for sure it will now fill up with water and your tiny car will get stuck in there. You have two options:

a.     Don’t go down that road, during or after the rains; or

b.     Have a number of a friend/landlord/family member/local who has a 4×4 and rope in the car.

7.   If you have a 4×4, get some rope, torch and chocolate; leave it in car for point 6b situations. You will have done your Good Samaritan act for the year.

8.   If you are scared of driving in normal circumstances, don’t drive in the rain and don’t go in a taxi. Try the metro – it might work if the rain doesn’t mess up the electricity cables.

9.   Don’t go to a mall. It gets flooded. They can build an ice rink, aquarium and ski thing, but the mall people can’t build drains.

10.Don’t drive fast. It’s stupid on a normal day, but with the rain, stupid drivers etc, it just ain’t clever to go 140kpm. And don’t change lanes every five seconds. It’s not big and it’s not clever.

11.Hazard lights are for when you have a hazard (burst tyre, thrown up on your lap, dead person in the car), not when it is raining.

12.  Fog lights are for when there is fog. If there is rain, I doubt there will be fog. And if you have discovered your fog lights  now, remember to use it in February instead of your hazard lights.

13.  If you are from Abu Dhabi/Sharjah, own a Land Cruiser, Nissan Sunny/Tida, Mitsubishi Lancer or non 4×4 Toyota car, please don’t come to Dubai until the rain has gone. Please.

If there are any more points that should be added for us to handle the rain please let me know.

For now, be dry, be safe and most of all stop snickering at the big board that’s warning you about the “water ponds”.

Rules for Tourists coming to Dubai

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Once upon a time there a British woman who went to a huge mall located in the sunny hot town of Dubai. She thought wearing skimpy clothing in the mall would be acceptable in a town that is located in a Muslim country. She decided to ignore all the signs dotted around the mall that asked you to wear respectable attire. This woman thought it was even more acceptable to start arguing with a local Arab woman when said woman told her off for wearing her attire. But wait the story gets better. This British woman decided to strip to her bikini which she was conveniently wearing underneath (ewww disgusting) and walk around the mall in her bikini. The security guards in the Mall were not amused and neither were the police. Unfortunately for all of us this story doesn’t end well. She was released without charge.

Now we must ask ourselves two things:

1. Why on earth was she not forced to stay in jail wearing only her bikini (so she could freeze her arse under the air con); and

2. Did she think that any mall in the UK would allow her to dress like that…ever?

This is not the first time we have heard stories of Brits acting stupid in Dubai. And it is not the first time we have had the British media (as usual the Daily Mail and the tabloids) jumping to the defence of the Brit and condoning Dubai for not allowing such stupidity to happen.

Do these Brit tourists know how much grief us Brit expats get when you get like stupid fools. When that couple decided to shag on the beach I couldn’t open my mouth at my local Costa as people would start ranting about Brits when they heard my accent.

The problem lies in the fact that there are no hard and fast rules set out to these muppet tourists who come to visit Dubai. As a Brit expat who lives here and respects the culture it is time to make a stand. So here are the rules of coming to this town for you idiot Brits that like to take those lastminute.com cheap offers:

1. This is not the Med/Spain/Greece/Ibiza/Aya Napa.

2. It’s hot here especially in the summer. August will go up to 50 degrees. Do you know how hot it is here?  As a Brit you can’t handle the heat and become “mad dog” like so don’t come visit in the summer.

3. There are specific areas for you if you want to wear slutty little dresses from Jane Norman/Top Shop/Primark – these areas are called – Barasti, Waxy’s, Rock Bottom and Irish Village.

4. When in a mall, it’s cold. Fuckin cold. Locals also love living in there on the weekend as they predominately can’t go clubbing. So cover up.

5. Hot pants/tiny vests/bikinis/Mini dresses are only acceptable in clubs, bars, your hotel room, friend’s apartment. Don’t wear it in a mall. You’ll just vex locals and expats and get us making snide comments at you as we pass.

6. If you look like a hooker you will be asked “how much” – don’t blame the guy for asking. He’s a man. He has a small dick. You should have thought better.

7. Just cos you are wearing Karen Millen, means nothing. It might be expensive in London, but people here wear Gucci to drop their kids of at school. Get over yourself.

8. You can only drink alcohol in certain places – namely restaurants, bars and clubs. If you leave said places inebriated and start acting leery, you will get arrested.

9. There are police everywhere. Those tall, handsome men in Dish dashes standing around outside hotels, bars, clubs, etc are not looking for a prossie for the night, they are CID police.

10. Marks and Spencer’s is for Brit expats not for you people who have better versions of the store at home. Get out get out get out.

11. If you have a chav accent – best to not open you mouth until you land back at Heathrow/Gatwick.

12. If you decide to get drunk and then leave your boyfriend to fuck someone else, don’t yell rape.

13. Pre-marital sex is not permitted in this country. Don’t make it obvious that you are getting laid or want to get laid.

14. Drugs are not allowed. None of them. Unless you can buy it in a pharmacy. Don’t bring it in your luggage. Just control yourself until you are back home.

15. You can get porn from the 10dhs lady so don’t bring it in your luggage. If you needto get laid go to Barasti or York Hotel if you want to pay for it.

16. JBR walk is not Europe, despite what the marketing people there say. Just because The Walk is by the beach does not mean you can walk around topless or in your bikini. We are trying to eat in those restaurants, cover up.

17. If you are in a restaurant, area, mall, etc where there are Arabs/Locals in traditional attire don’t kiss someone of the opposite sex even on the cheek. Especially if you are white.

Now I have a special set of rules for Brit Asians. They have done well in the last few decades. Yep they have made money (brown pound anyone?) and they have the BMW/Mercedes/Audi in their drive at home. Yeah you are doing really well for yourself, but here are few rules for you fools that come here:

1. If this is your first time to Dubai – you missed the boat/plane. Brit Asians have been coming here for years. You’re nothing special now so get over yourself.

2. You are obviously going to Meena Bazaar to get material/saris and to make clothes for your family weddings, to wear on Illford High Street, etc. Go to Meena Bazaar on the first day you land not the second to last day.

3. Just cos you have thirty suits to be tailored and have brought Asian Woman with you means nothing to the tailors. They have seen it all. Stop being rude to them. And no the days of tailoring clothes in 24 hours is over cos all of you want to make 50 suits each. When you do expect the tailors to sleep!?!

4. If an Asian Expat comes in and starts talking to her tailor in a friendly manner, as if he’s her uncle, shut up and sit down. He has her measurements in his book, he knows what she wants and she will be finished in 5 minutes. You will take 2 hours so five minutes won’t kill you.

5. No you can’t have a cup of chai whilst you wait. That only gets given to regular polite customers.

6. Just cos you have exchanged 200 quid into Dirhams doesn’t mean you are wadded now that your wallet is bulging.

7. Don’t think that as a Brit Asian you can hit other Indians/Pakis/etc out of the way in malls, streets, anywhere. You might hit a fellow Brit Asian expat who will give you a mouth full of venom, especially if you push her mother out of the way.

8. Shopping ain’t cheaper in Dubai, so stop spouting that shite. It’s cheaper to get stuff on Oxford Street than Dubai Mall especially when it’s sale time. And the stock in Dubai is at least one season old.

9. If India/Pakistan/etc is so great a) why don’t you go there on holiday instead, b) better still move there.

10. Whateva.

Disclaimer – this is aimed at the majority. There may be a minority of Brits/Brit Asians that know how to act in an appropriate manner when abroad. If you are one of them, thank god! If you have been offended by the above, then why the hell did you read all of the rules!?!?

Daily Mail – you have always been a joke, but come on enough of the racist, Middle East bashing. If you want to write an article about Dubai first make sure you have the correct mall/location in the picture and the correct facts. Better still make sure that your journalist actually goes around the town to all areas rather than just Barasti/Waxy’s/Irish village on a daily basis so that they can write an intelligent, factually correct article. Have you never heard of journalistic integrity??

And here is the article from Gulf News – turns out that there is no case even opened for that woman who was in a bikini. http://gulfnews.com/news/gulf/uae/crime/briton-not-charged-in-dubai-mall-biki…