Sometimes i wonder is this it….
I am sitting on my bed with my laptop typing whilst listing to Maxwell play his dulcet tunes into my ears. Tonight I came home, fed the cats, pottered around, answered some emails, caught up on tv and then started on a chick flick. Now here I am.
It’s the end of the day. Another day gone. Work and home with a little drive in-between and that’s the end.
It sounds pathetic writing it down. I’m not unhappy but it feels empty. My cats bring me peace and joy when I come home especially after a hard day dealing with chauvinistic arseholes and ditzy girls all day, but i can’t cuddle them for long and i can’t talk to them (ok i do talk to them but their meows in response just don’t work for me!).
I know it’s loneliness that is bringing me to write this. I know i should do something to change this but how do you change loneliness. I have done the going out, i have been on the dates. Nothing happens. i used to sabotage meetings with men, but now i think i’m just fated to be in this predicament. Sometimes there are flickers of hope but as soon as the the light ignites in me, it disappears again. No explanation, no sorry you suck. Just back to the normal life. Back to the loneliness.
There is a fear now that although i’m in my early thirties soon it will be mid-thirties, then late … and time is running so fast and i’m not catching up. I am not one of those text book ladies, that had her life planned out and has had everything like it should be (man, babies, house, job, blah blah). Nothing in my life has been smooth from the moment I was born but you think life would throw me a bone now and give me a break.
Are women like me destined to be alone? If we don’t follow the norm, are we destined to suffer for our choices? It’s corny but I think about Carrie in SATC and wonder if life will be like hers with ups and downs but i will meet my Mr Big eventually in a few years time. I guess I have to continue to be strong and hope that one day soon i won’t be on my laptop in bed alone…