Tag: relationships

2010 – the year of many downs and a few ups

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I know that many people have written blogs about last year and what they thought of it. Well you might be bored of it now but hey it’s my blog so I’m going to write about my year.

2010 early on was shite for me. I had three days of being incommunicado which scared the shite out of my parents, brother, friends and work. I survived the hell and I got out of it a stronger woman but it haunted me for the rest of the year. Thankfully the people mentioned above were there for me with their support and love and I apologise for putting them in that position and thank them for being there for me. I would be a broken woman if it wasn’t for them.

The *insert swear words* couple who stole my money (see previous blog) have yet to be found by Interpol or to return my money. Hatred remained for the whole of 2010 and will remain until…

I also became one of those horribly boring 100+ hours’ working women. Due to a massive project at work and lack of a department except me, I have had to work like a dog with the help of various external counsel to do this project. I have lived on about 3 hours sleep, had near nervous breakdowns, screamed, cried and drowned in paperwork. But on a plus I had the steepest learning curve ever and got to go India (finally) and Geneva for the deal, as well as two visits to London which meant I got to be home more than I expected. Was it worth all the hours of work? I have yet to see, but hopefully there will be a decent size bonus at the end of this long tunnel and maybe a few people working for me??!

Due to the work issue, it meant I once again didn’t get to go on a holiday. I desperately needed a holiday to be away from my laptop and blackberry. I’m hoping this year I get a reprieve and can book somewhere far away to just unwind and read books.

On a plus I welcomed into my life my little nephew, my close friend’s third son and my little kitty Amira. All are completely adorable, lovely and cuddly and I miss them when I am away from them. So I have become an Auntie and cat woman again 🙂

I also had to live through my older cat going through her teenage bitch years for most of the year but she suddenly snapped out of it in November after a super duper hair cut. There was something in that shampoo I tell ya.

With regards to my love life, I decided it would be a brilliant idea to redate my ex from last year and get re-engaged to him. Of course we once again didn’t properly get engaged and he failed to buy me a wedding ring (or anything else for that matter). I realised after a few months that if I loved my cats more than him that it was a recipe for disaster and that it might be best to dump him. Of course, I did the new social media thing and dumped him first on this blog and then to his face. But hey don’t judge me, he dumped me via Facebook (changing his status to single) last year.

I also realised that although there were men to fancy and date this year that I didn’t love any of them or let alone care enough to have them in my life for very long. This realisation dawned on me at the end of the year which was surreally scary. I don’t like being alone and I want to share my life with someone but I don’t want to be with just anyone just for the sake of being with someone. I want to share my life, I want to  be respected, I want to be loved  – I think I deserve it now after all these years of being in the dating world. So I have decided I am going to wait with semi open eyes for that man to turn up. I also think it’s best I stop looking to the past men and also to the men who only want to be friends. For the latter, I need to stop making a fool of myself.

So that was 2010, but what about 2011?  I don’t do new years resolutions, but due to the fact that I have become a bigger girl due to the lack of time to exercise, I have decided that I will start dance classes again  – hip hop classes to be exact. Yep I will be dancing to tinie tempah (my new love) and hopefully will go down two dress sizes by March.

Due to the fact that everyone who is anyone can’t stop giving me a lecture about my smoking, I think it might be time to stop soon. Patches, gum and plain old will power don’t work so I will be visiting a hypnotherapist when I have some time to test that out. It worked for one person I know so it might work for me. Otherwise will try that needle thing that the Chinese do.

My other plan is to redecorate my pad. I cannot take the pink walls any longer and need to clean it up and make it livable again for myself. That will be project numero uno for this year.

Of course I would be disillusioning myself if I didn’t say I wanted to meet someone, fall in love, get married and have babies this year. But I hope for that every year and it’s failed so far so why start this year with a stupid wish. Let’s see what 2011 has to give and take it from there.

To all of you readers have a great year and if it goes shit, just believe that things can only get better. xx

Monogamous

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We all have our views of what is morally correct in life and in relationships. One area that has become grey for me is monogamy.

I have had numerous men who I have dated or been in a relationship with who have been with other women at the same time. It has come to the point where my face is unshockable when a guy says he is not exclusive with me or he doesn’t believe in monogamy. I have tended to boot the man out of my life pronto once hearing those lines or similar ones. The men who have been sleeping around behind or infront of my back tend to always have one of the town ho’s in their speed dial. I don’t want to catch their diseases and I don’t want to be the other girl. I have this self-belief that being with me should be sufficient, why should they need to be with disease laden ho’s as well.

This righteousness has worked well with me for all these years. I have been monogamous in relationships and even when fancying men I have tended to fancy one man at a time.

However, recently this has all changed, and I feel guilty.

Have you ever been with playas and then after playing and dumping you they move onto another woman who they are utterly faithful to? Don’t you always wish you could be that girl who could be the one to make him change his ways? Well it has happened. I have become that woman. I have somehow fitted into one man’s life in such a way for him to denouce his playa calling and he has been faithful when we are together. Admittedly as soon as he dumped me last year he went all out on pussy patrol, but since we have gotten back together as undefinable friends, he has been faithful.

However, I’ve become the playa. And I hate it.

It was not intentional, but it’s like london buses. They never turn up when you want it and then three turn up all at once. It’s sod’s law of the highest order and it’s infuriating me.

The playa in me came out for four weeks (see previous blogs) and although great at the time and a powerful feeling, now I feel wretched. Although we are not officially together again, bloke mentioned above (Man no 3), and I are in constant contact and he has been amazing. He has been faithful despite us being undefinable currently.

Then there is Mr Playa (Man no 2). He is proud that he is being a playa right now; he relishes it; he thrives on it; he is even callous in his playaness and he is not subtle in his behaviour (despite his protestations that he is). But I still fancy him. And this is where my monogomous views are being beaten up. I am seeing Man no 3, but still fancying no 2. There is no shagging, but there is inneundo and light kisses of tempatation from both of us. I feel like I am cheating on 3 in my mind and my lips. I would hate and scream at a man I was dating if he did that (and I have done that with a few slaps in between), but I am now just as bad.

Where is the line in being monogamous? Are you still considered monogamous if you don’t sleep with other men? What about holding hands? Or dancing seductively with each other? Or kissing secretly in quiet corners?

Today, afer a punch to my stomach, I fully realised how awful no 2 was for me and for my soul. I have known him for a short while, but I have seen him and watched him and can see that there is something good in him underneath the playa facade. However, for now he has decided to take on the role of the playa character and I want no part in that play. (Also why is that when men play around in this city they are studs, but with the women we call them ho’s?? – i digress).

I also realised that despite the events that have occured between me and 3, he has not wavered his feelings for me, although I have. He cares, he loves, he is a genuinely kind person. He knows how I have felt recently and what I have been up to (maybe not as much as the above states), but he has still been good about my non-monogamous behvaiour. I don’t want to hurt him, I don’t want to be the horrible playa girl, I just want to be in his life if he will accept me in.