Tag: playa

Sadness

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The last week and a bit has been a bag of emotional turmoil.

If you follow me on twitter you will know my aunt passed away last week. She was related to me from my mum and dad’s side (nothing dodgy like – our family ain’t like that), and she was a major part of both families in England. Her loss, though we knew it would come anytime soon, was still upsetting. This was especially due to the fact that as I was unable to join my family back in Birmingham to attend the funeral and be with them.

With my family it’s a mixed bag of emotions. We are fiery, bitchy, stubborn, moody gits and some have a tendency to be evil fuckers. But for all these curses (verbal and magical), slaps, and plain crapness, they are my blood and due to the sameness in us, they are brilliant to hang out with or “comedy” as we used to say. I do miss them especially the cousins in Brum, which makes it even sadder that I missed being with them at this time.

Last week, I also decided finally that one man was too much of a playa for me and a liability. Picture the scenario:

1. Two parties, same venue, two weekends, same lovely host.

2. First party – I miss due to being in London. He invites town ho no. 2.

3. Second party – I turn up, he suddenly turns up after me. Kind of a surprise.

4. Pictures show up of both parties. She’s in the first lot (nothing too snuggly in those photos I must say but she was fucking there), I’m in the second lot (with him next to me in most of them or arms around me).

Nothing overly wrong with this you might say. But do you remember when he said he didn’t know how to fit me in and kept on “forgetting” to take me on dates he had asked me out on?? Well I got pissed off in my womanly way that:

a. He was able to take her out on a date.

b. He was unable to fit me in (except when we were dancing seductively on the dance floor – we were good!).

c. He went to the same party (in a way) with two women and flaunted it for others to see.

And on top of that it means that’s she’s the other woman and that’s just horrible. It was enough I had to see her trying it on with him, in front of me when I was “seeing him” but this?? Ok yes i’m slightly irrational, but hey this irrationality made me realise that I didn’t want to be with a man like him. Let her have him. Two sluts equal …crap things. 

So due to the irrational but brilliant reason to get rid of the playa, I also realised that I cared a hell of a lot for other man (no 3 – if you have been reading my blogs before – keep up people). So you might ask what is the sad part..? Well just as we had semi-sorted ourselves together, he has had to pack his bags and leave me for a month for work. I have a feeling he won’t shag around, but due to his location I’m worried for him and it’s just a crap time to leave. So I’ve been emotional for the last few days but 27 more days to go till I see him again and then we can start the proper dating thing again, or see if we even want to be together.

Then there is work. I actually like my job. It’s interesting. I’m dealing with legal matters that I have never covered before and on a global scale which is fun, interesting and never boring, but what I am disliking is the men in my office. The start of the week had me in tears nearly due to a man in the office being abusive to me once again on email. It’s been going on for six months and yet he only gets a slap on his hand for his shitty behaviour. It’s depressing, frustrating and plain piss annoying. I have to just hold my breath for now and pray that karma will come and give a big kick in the arse to no man’s land. But it’s not just him. I work with a certain country of men and whilst I do have some wonderful friends from this country and I’m originally from there, these men do my head in on a daily basis. They are chauvinistic, arrogant, sexist, uneducated bastards and they smell of BO a lot of the time as well. They need to get a can of deodorant spray liberally, wash their clothes, buy some manners and learn how to live in the 21st century. But you know that won’t happen in the near future with the majority of these men. This realisation made me sad.

The other frustrating issue I also dealt with was on twitter. After the abusive emails from knob in the office, I ranted as I tend to do on twitter. Twitter is full of friends that I have made and share my life with on a daily basis, who are predominately living in the same town as  me. They know when I’m happy, sad, awake, alive, tired or hungry. They know more than my best friends (which can be scary) or they have become my best friends (mega!). So I ranted, and then slimy pervy man of twitter decided to put his 2 cents in and start being nasty to me. The breaking point was when he said I should go get therapy instead of twittering. This is not the first time he has said it to a woman on twitter. The irony is that he requires therapy more than most of us, due to his nature, but he’s in denial. However, all women in his books (and i’m sure other men) are nuts and need a shrink. Isn’t it a sad thought when a man thinks in this chauvinistic and sexist manner in this day and age. Yes, he’s an old man but should that be an excuse??

I know that life has its ups and downs and we all suffer, but somtimes when it all comes at the same time it can be truly horrifying to deal with. I’m lucky that I have good friends and family who have looked after me this week especially when I was very sad, giving me real and virtual hugs and love throughout. So through the sadness comes thankfulness and hope – and that makes me happy.

Monogamous

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We all have our views of what is morally correct in life and in relationships. One area that has become grey for me is monogamy.

I have had numerous men who I have dated or been in a relationship with who have been with other women at the same time. It has come to the point where my face is unshockable when a guy says he is not exclusive with me or he doesn’t believe in monogamy. I have tended to boot the man out of my life pronto once hearing those lines or similar ones. The men who have been sleeping around behind or infront of my back tend to always have one of the town ho’s in their speed dial. I don’t want to catch their diseases and I don’t want to be the other girl. I have this self-belief that being with me should be sufficient, why should they need to be with disease laden ho’s as well.

This righteousness has worked well with me for all these years. I have been monogamous in relationships and even when fancying men I have tended to fancy one man at a time.

However, recently this has all changed, and I feel guilty.

Have you ever been with playas and then after playing and dumping you they move onto another woman who they are utterly faithful to? Don’t you always wish you could be that girl who could be the one to make him change his ways? Well it has happened. I have become that woman. I have somehow fitted into one man’s life in such a way for him to denouce his playa calling and he has been faithful when we are together. Admittedly as soon as he dumped me last year he went all out on pussy patrol, but since we have gotten back together as undefinable friends, he has been faithful.

However, I’ve become the playa. And I hate it.

It was not intentional, but it’s like london buses. They never turn up when you want it and then three turn up all at once. It’s sod’s law of the highest order and it’s infuriating me.

The playa in me came out for four weeks (see previous blogs) and although great at the time and a powerful feeling, now I feel wretched. Although we are not officially together again, bloke mentioned above (Man no 3), and I are in constant contact and he has been amazing. He has been faithful despite us being undefinable currently.

Then there is Mr Playa (Man no 2). He is proud that he is being a playa right now; he relishes it; he thrives on it; he is even callous in his playaness and he is not subtle in his behaviour (despite his protestations that he is). But I still fancy him. And this is where my monogomous views are being beaten up. I am seeing Man no 3, but still fancying no 2. There is no shagging, but there is inneundo and light kisses of tempatation from both of us. I feel like I am cheating on 3 in my mind and my lips. I would hate and scream at a man I was dating if he did that (and I have done that with a few slaps in between), but I am now just as bad.

Where is the line in being monogamous? Are you still considered monogamous if you don’t sleep with other men? What about holding hands? Or dancing seductively with each other? Or kissing secretly in quiet corners?

Today, afer a punch to my stomach, I fully realised how awful no 2 was for me and for my soul. I have known him for a short while, but I have seen him and watched him and can see that there is something good in him underneath the playa facade. However, for now he has decided to take on the role of the playa character and I want no part in that play. (Also why is that when men play around in this city they are studs, but with the women we call them ho’s?? – i digress).

I also realised that despite the events that have occured between me and 3, he has not wavered his feelings for me, although I have. He cares, he loves, he is a genuinely kind person. He knows how I have felt recently and what I have been up to (maybe not as much as the above states), but he has still been good about my non-monogamous behvaiour. I don’t want to hurt him, I don’t want to be the horrible playa girl, I just want to be in his life if he will accept me in.