Once upon a time there a British woman who went to a huge mall located in the sunny hot town of Dubai. She thought wearing skimpy clothing in the mall would be acceptable in a town that is located in a Muslim country. She decided to ignore all the signs dotted around the mall that asked you to wear respectable attire. This woman thought it was even more acceptable to start arguing with a local Arab woman when said woman told her off for wearing her attire. But wait the story gets better. This British woman decided to strip to her bikini which she was conveniently wearing underneath (ewww disgusting) and walk around the mall in her bikini. The security guards in the Mall were not amused and neither were the police. Unfortunately for all of us this story doesn’t end well. She was released without charge.

Now we must ask ourselves two things:

1. Why on earth was she not forced to stay in jail wearing only her bikini (so she could freeze her arse under the air con); and

2. Did she think that any mall in the UK would allow her to dress like that…ever?

This is not the first time we have heard stories of Brits acting stupid in Dubai. And it is not the first time we have had the British media (as usual the Daily Mail and the tabloids) jumping to the defence of the Brit and condoning Dubai for not allowing such stupidity to happen.

Do these Brit tourists know how much grief us Brit expats get when you get like stupid fools. When that couple decided to shag on the beach I couldn’t open my mouth at my local Costa as people would start ranting about Brits when they heard my accent.

The problem lies in the fact that there are no hard and fast rules set out to these muppet tourists who come to visit Dubai. As a Brit expat who lives here and respects the culture it is time to make a stand. So here are the rules of coming to this town for you idiot Brits that like to take those lastminute.com cheap offers:

1. This is not the Med/Spain/Greece/Ibiza/Aya Napa.

2. It’s hot here especially in the summer. August will go up to 50 degrees. Do you know how hot it is here?  As a Brit you can’t handle the heat and become “mad dog” like so don’t come visit in the summer.

3. There are specific areas for you if you want to wear slutty little dresses from Jane Norman/Top Shop/Primark – these areas are called – Barasti, Waxy’s, Rock Bottom and Irish Village.

4. When in a mall, it’s cold. Fuckin cold. Locals also love living in there on the weekend as they predominately can’t go clubbing. So cover up.

5. Hot pants/tiny vests/bikinis/Mini dresses are only acceptable in clubs, bars, your hotel room, friend’s apartment. Don’t wear it in a mall. You’ll just vex locals and expats and get us making snide comments at you as we pass.

6. If you look like a hooker you will be asked “how much” – don’t blame the guy for asking. He’s a man. He has a small dick. You should have thought better.

7. Just cos you are wearing Karen Millen, means nothing. It might be expensive in London, but people here wear Gucci to drop their kids of at school. Get over yourself.

8. You can only drink alcohol in certain places – namely restaurants, bars and clubs. If you leave said places inebriated and start acting leery, you will get arrested.

9. There are police everywhere. Those tall, handsome men in Dish dashes standing around outside hotels, bars, clubs, etc are not looking for a prossie for the night, they are CID police.

10. Marks and Spencer’s is for Brit expats not for you people who have better versions of the store at home. Get out get out get out.

11. If you have a chav accent – best to not open you mouth until you land back at Heathrow/Gatwick.

12. If you decide to get drunk and then leave your boyfriend to fuck someone else, don’t yell rape.

13. Pre-marital sex is not permitted in this country. Don’t make it obvious that you are getting laid or want to get laid.

14. Drugs are not allowed. None of them. Unless you can buy it in a pharmacy. Don’t bring it in your luggage. Just control yourself until you are back home.

15. You can get porn from the 10dhs lady so don’t bring it in your luggage. If you needto get laid go to Barasti or York Hotel if you want to pay for it.

16. JBR walk is not Europe, despite what the marketing people there say. Just because The Walk is by the beach does not mean you can walk around topless or in your bikini. We are trying to eat in those restaurants, cover up.

17. If you are in a restaurant, area, mall, etc where there are Arabs/Locals in traditional attire don’t kiss someone of the opposite sex even on the cheek. Especially if you are white.

Now I have a special set of rules for Brit Asians. They have done well in the last few decades. Yep they have made money (brown pound anyone?) and they have the BMW/Mercedes/Audi in their drive at home. Yeah you are doing really well for yourself, but here are few rules for you fools that come here:

1. If this is your first time to Dubai – you missed the boat/plane. Brit Asians have been coming here for years. You’re nothing special now so get over yourself.

2. You are obviously going to Meena Bazaar to get material/saris and to make clothes for your family weddings, to wear on Illford High Street, etc. Go to Meena Bazaar on the first day you land not the second to last day.

3. Just cos you have thirty suits to be tailored and have brought Asian Woman with you means nothing to the tailors. They have seen it all. Stop being rude to them. And no the days of tailoring clothes in 24 hours is over cos all of you want to make 50 suits each. When you do expect the tailors to sleep!?!

4. If an Asian Expat comes in and starts talking to her tailor in a friendly manner, as if he’s her uncle, shut up and sit down. He has her measurements in his book, he knows what she wants and she will be finished in 5 minutes. You will take 2 hours so five minutes won’t kill you.

5. No you can’t have a cup of chai whilst you wait. That only gets given to regular polite customers.

6. Just cos you have exchanged 200 quid into Dirhams doesn’t mean you are wadded now that your wallet is bulging.

7. Don’t think that as a Brit Asian you can hit other Indians/Pakis/etc out of the way in malls, streets, anywhere. You might hit a fellow Brit Asian expat who will give you a mouth full of venom, especially if you push her mother out of the way.

8. Shopping ain’t cheaper in Dubai, so stop spouting that shite. It’s cheaper to get stuff on Oxford Street than Dubai Mall especially when it’s sale time. And the stock in Dubai is at least one season old.

9. If India/Pakistan/etc is so great a) why don’t you go there on holiday instead, b) better still move there.

10. Whateva.

Disclaimer – this is aimed at the majority. There may be a minority of Brits/Brit Asians that know how to act in an appropriate manner when abroad. If you are one of them, thank god! If you have been offended by the above, then why the hell did you read all of the rules!?!?

Daily Mail – you have always been a joke, but come on enough of the racist, Middle East bashing. If you want to write an article about Dubai first make sure you have the correct mall/location in the picture and the correct facts. Better still make sure that your journalist actually goes around the town to all areas rather than just Barasti/Waxy’s/Irish village on a daily basis so that they can write an intelligent, factually correct article. Have you never heard of journalistic integrity??

And here is the article from Gulf News – turns out that there is no case even opened for that woman who was in a bikini. http://gulfnews.com/news/gulf/uae/crime/briton-not-charged-in-dubai-mall-biki…